About moving mountains, black holes and one horde at a time

Mondays are best skipped. On her way to work, Barbara van Bergen rides her motorbike through the traffic jam and flips over as a result of an unexpected lane change. An average Monday morning at a quarter past eight on the A4 marks the dramatic turning point in her life. Once off the morphine, the news is delivered cautiously. As a twenty-something with a lower spinal cord injury, she will have to reshape her life. But for Barbara, one thing is crystal clear: sport must and will return to her life. Because in addition to her profession as a marketer, she trained six days a week at the highest level of athletics, including pole vaulting. And she succeeds miraculously. She transforms herself into a Paralympic wheelchair basketball player and later into a Paralympic sit-skier. Relatively new to para-skiing, Barbara quickly becomes a great promise. She wins several medals in basketball, including 2x Bronze at the Paralympic Games and becomes world champion Downhill in sit-skiing. Barbara also broadens her professional interests with secondary functions. She is a director of the Dirk Kuyt Foundation and an elected athlete council member of the European Paralympic Committee and the athletes' commission of NOC*NSF.

But not everything is just good-better-best, while it may seem that way. Now Barbara is facing a busy time again at the start of the season. When I speak to her in my skin practice, she is about to leave for Chile, where she is training for the speed events Downhill and SuperG. She competes for TeamNL, but not completely. Last season Barbara was no longer selected and has to support herself. Of course, she can climb the mountain again. This time is different.

Barbara doesn't mince her words. She has left a difficult period behind her, but can talk about it surprisingly smoothly. When you're blasting down the mountain on one ski at over 100 kilometres per hour, it can't be otherwise. Then you have a lion's heart.

In the run-up to the 2022 Beijing Winter Games, my qualification is not going very smoothly. Many competitions are cancelled. And what remains of qualification moments can hardly be called a representative race. Many competitors are not present due to Corona. Which leads to discussion about whether it is a qualification. The combination of a messy competition season and qualification stress creates a wrong mindset at the starting line.

Barbara says that after Beijing she gets out of her flow and it feels like her head-body wiring is wrongly connected. She stiffens on the track, where she normally goes smoothly.

My performances are disappointing, my confidence is gone. How can I turn this around, I wonder? Although I give everything, I also feel like I need something else in my training. I have been struggling with this all season. But when I bring it up for discussion, there is hardly any room for it. Then it suddenly becomes very lonely at the top of the mountain. And so a negative spiral develops that seems difficult to reverse. During the competition season, she calls home every evening. At that moment, they are the only ones who understand her. It is to no avail. Barbara falls for the TeamNL national selection. It snows waterlanders. But not for long. Despite the fact that quitting during the season seems an attractive option, Barbara is not hanging up her skis! She feels that she is not finished skiing yet. Fortunately. When persevering becomes difficult, the persevering ones keep going.

Despite the downward force of gravity, Barbara slowly but surely sees glimmers of light escaping again.

It's bizarre that I only hit a wall at that moment. So late actually. Maybe that's also because of the sport. You learn to make things small and then overcome them step by step. That way you can go a long way, even with baggage. Of course we get mental support at TeamNL. But that is focused on overcoming mental barriers to your sports performance. My need was broader than that. Barbara is looking with a psychologist for how she can find herself and what is left of her skiing ambition. She has a long skiing history that is actually only just taking shape as a professional. What is in it is not yet out. And as with more things in life, old love never dies.

But how do you do that? From TeamNL also means: keine Finanz. Without the mud of the earth you won't get far.

Bold shoes on. Phone. Have a cup of coffee. A number of Rotterdam businessmen from my network immediately thought: we won't let that happen! They have gathered a group of entrepreneurs. Together they have taken a big chunk of the financial support. There you go, you never walk alone in Rotterdam. And while I am slowly finding my way back, the second hurdle has to be taken. A coach. Someone who teaches me to trust myself again. I then gathered all my courage and with a lump in my throat asked for a German coach. Someone I have admired for years. He had to laugh. Of course I was welcome. He really didn't understand why I thought not. In the meantime, we are entering the second season together. Your own brainwaves can sometimes get in your way the most. Before you know it, you ARE your achievements. Which is of course nonsense.

Exactly! We are powerful over our minds, but not over events and 'things that are'. A nice bridge to start on the outside. How does Barbara deal with her appearance and her self-image? How important does she find them?

I have had my own style since I was young. A bit feminine-tough. I worked for a casual and sportswear brand. I like urban fashion clothes. But since my accident things have changed. When baggy clothes are in fashion I don't go along with that. Something that looks good standing up, like wide trousers, looks like a hobble bag in a wheelchair. The extra fabric stuffed into the seat. Of course there is a team outfit for basketball. Nice and easy. But afterwards it is great to put on your own clothes at home again. You feel like an individual again. Because of my sport I am practical. Then I really have to switch when I am going to do something special. Like, oh yeah, wait a minute. We are going out for dinner tonight. I won't wear those sports leggings for now. I think it is important to pay a bit more attention to my looks. But I like natural. I actually think curling my hair is a lot of hassle. Unfortunately without make-up I have a bare bottom face with super white skin. So I always put on an eyebrow pencil, eyeliner and some mascara. That's it. In the photo I want to look tighter, so it can be a bit more exuberant. But you know. The most important thing is that you feel good about yourself. That's when you look the best.

By the way, Barbara detests stamps. A 'customized' vacation with 'adventures' is not her thing. She also refuses to join the wheelchair caravan. Barbara does find her own way. But what is emancipation worth, now that the Netherlands is plummeting in the scores on all kinds of international inclusivity lists?

The Netherlands pretends to do and be a lot, but in practice that does not always turn out to be true. Accessibility is at a standstill and in that we are actually moving backwards. I deal with that. But I am assertive. I just say at random: Hello! Can you give me a push, or can you grab that? But not everyone is like that. Due to forty-forty-five, our Rotterdam architecture is relatively new compared to other world cities. With some sadness I note that accessibility is often still an afterbirth in design - how so? I am not saying that it is always Valhalla elsewhere, but Korea, for example, has taken a huge step forward because of the Games. The experience in a wheelchair was great. Paris, on the other hand, has acknowledged that they still have to make big steps in public transport. During the Games I crossed the city every morning on my electric bike. Wonderful. And while others are stuck in traffic, I get to the location faster. After the Games, Paris once again committed itself to accessibility. I would like to see that here too. But with the current cabinet I mainly see headwind. Let alone the Dutch Para and Olympic Games, which were briefly discussed. The cabinet will soon increase VAT on sports. Then you know how things are going. The NOC Athletes Committee is working on an advice for top-level athlete facilities. The top-level sports allowance, the stipend, will be cancelled if you do not perform to a high standard for a year. And the pension. Another subject. As an athlete you do not build that up. But people do expect you to put everything aside for the sport. So it should be seen more as a job. Because sponsorships are a Paralympic rarity. Just as there is a gap between men's and women's football, the commercial value of Paralympic sports is certainly a factor lower. Alternative sources of income are only available to the one or two happy few among us. I hope that politicians will still take up the challenge and be convinced with good arguments. In short, there is work to be done! And we take one hurdle at a time. Just like top-level sport.

In this interview series, one of my upcoming conversations is with Marian Mudder. She is a specialized anxiety and trauma therapist, author and actor. Marian advocates taming your voices. Thoughts that throw us off balance and are a form of self-sabotage. How does Barbara actually deal with insecurity and anxiety? The heroic switch from basketball to skiing must have awakened doubt in her? She takes a moment to think.

Yes, how does that work for me? I have to switch first. Like, I just started at the bottom again. When that new reality sinks in and the awareness is there, then I have direction and then the goal comes. It has many parallels with how I dealt with my accident. Of course I slept badly. But at the same time I am also convinced that I am going to do it. I want to prove myself somewhere, show everyone that I can do it. With skiing you are mainly dependent on yourself. If it goes wrong, then you only have yourself to blame. The space to sit through it for a while is marginal. Because changes like in basketball are a thing of the past. Quite an exciting stretch. On the other hand, I did not rush into things. I made a transition plan with the national coach. That is why it also feels like a balanced risk. One week a month with the skiers and three weeks at Papendal for basketball. That way I experience how it works, what I can do and how far that is from the top. We deliberately built in a reality check.

The invisible hand of influencer hegemony guides our daily decisions. On social media, self-image and visual culture go hand in hand. A one-size-fits-all threatens to become our carrot and stick. How does Barbara view social pressure and how does she deal with it?

Well, I confess. I do use filters. Every now and then. I once visited a cosmetic doctor. To remove a bit too much eyelid skin. When the procedure was explained, I was cured immediately: my entire forehead lifted and secured with staples! A rather deadly combination with a ski helmet. No thank you, don't do it. So now I raise my eyebrows for slightly larger eyes. The result is extra wrinkles on my forehead. Barbara sees the humor in that. That's nice, a bit of self-mockery. But actually we should respect our own self-esteem more. Sometimes Barbara feels a touch of envy while scrolling at a 'girl' with a tight six-pack. Or at people who are more muscular. Strange, huh? While I know that Insta is often not real. We all know that. Such a shame, all those people who also want the same nose. In the end, I still think at the end of the day: I am the way I am. And I am happy with it.

At a time when the media and the beauty industry tell us to fight the signs of aging, there is also an 'Authentic Aging' movement that is loosening the reins a bit. What art of living can Barbara share with us as an antidote to aging?

I always get a bit itchy from interviews that start talking about my age. I always say, as long as my body and mind are still doing well and the podium is in sight, I have the best office in the world. By doing a lot of sports with young people I also stay young. Even if you train with someone of different levels you can learn from each other. I believe in equality. That way you create a playground where feedback is given free rein. I think that is why Dirk Kuyt wanted me on board as an ambassador for his foundation. As a board member I am now gaining experience that I can use well in the future. Through my sport I am building a new network. And I have already gained work experience for my top sports career. So I am not worried if I ever decide to stop. There is enough to do! But back to the topic. I pay attention to healthy eating and a good lifestyle. In short, self-acceptance, keep moving and take good care of yourself. And last but not least: enjoy yourself every now and then! That is the trick.