On moving mountains, black holes, and one hurdle at a time

Mondays are best skipped. On her way to work, Barbara van Bergen rides her motorcycle through traffic and flips over as a result of an unexpected lane change. A typical Monday morning at 8:15 on the A4 marks the dramatic turning point in her life. Once off the morphine, the news is delivered cautiously. As a twenty-something with a low spinal cord injury, she will have to reshape her life. But for Barbara, one thing is immediately crystal clear: sports must and will return to her life. For alongside her profession as a marketer, she trained six days a week at the highest level in athletics, including pole vaulting. And she succeeds remarkably well. She transforms herself into a Paralympic wheelchair basketball player and later into a Paralympic sit-skier. Relatively new to para-skiing, Barbara quickly becomes a great promise. She wins multiple medals in basketball, including two bronze medals at the Paralympic Games, and becomes World Champion in Downhill sit-skiing. In addition, Barbara broadens her professional interests with side roles. She is a board member of the Dirk Kuyt Foundation and an elected member of the Athletes' Council of the European Paralympic Committee and the Athletes' Commission of NOC*NSF.

But not everything is just good, better, best, even though it might seem that way. Barbara is facing another busy time at the start of the season. When I speak to her at my dermatology practice, she is about to leave for Chile, where she will train for the Downhill and SuperG speed disciplines. She competes for TeamNL, but not quite. Last season, Barbara was no longer selected and has to support herself. Of course, she can climb the mountain again. This time is different.

Barbara doesn't beat around the bush. She has put a tough period behind her, but can talk about it surprisingly smoothly. When you hurtle down the mountain on one ski at over 100 kilometers per hour, it couldn't be any other way. You have the heart of a lion.

In the run-up to the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing, my qualification is not exactly going smoothly. Many races are being cancelled. And what remains of the qualifying opportunities can hardly be called a representative race. Many competitors are absent due to Corona, leading to debate about whether it actually qualifies. The combination of a chaotic competition season and qualification stress results in the wrong mindset at the starting line.

Barbara says that after Beijing she loses her flow and it feels as if her head-body wiring is wrongly connected. She stiffens on the slopes, where she normally moves smoothly.

My performance is disappointing, my confidence is gone. How can I turn this around, I wonder? Although I give everything, at the same time it feels like I need something different in my training. I have been battling against this all season. But when I bring it up, there is hardly any room for it. Then it suddenly feels very lonely at the mountaintop. And so a negative spiral unfolds that seems difficult to reverse. During the competition season, she calls home every evening. At that moment, they are the only ones who understand her. It is to no avail. The curtain falls for Barbara within the TeamNL national selection. Tears are falling. But not for long. Even though quitting during the season seems like an attractive option, Barbara is not hanging up her skis! She feels that she is not done with skiing yet. Fortunately. When pushing through becomes difficult, the persistent ones keep going.

Despite the downward force of gravity, Barbara slowly but surely sees glimmers of light escaping again.

It is bizarre that I only hit a wall at that moment. So late, actually. Perhaps that is also partly due to the sport. You learn to break things down into smaller parts and then overcome them step by step. That gets you a long way, even with baggage. We do receive mental support at TeamNL, of course. But that is focused on overcoming mental barriers to your sports performance. My need was broader than that. Barbara is working with a psychologist to find out how she can rediscover herself and what remains of her skiing ambition. She has a long skiing history that is actually only just taking shape as a professional. What is inside hasn't come out yet. And as with many things in life, old love never dies.

But how do you do that? Leaving TeamNL also means: no money. Without the dirt of the earth, you won't get far.

Taking the plunge. Making a call. Having a cup of coffee. A number of Rotterdam businessmen in my network immediately felt the same way: we’re not letting that happen! They rounded up a group of entrepreneurs. Together, they took on a substantial chunk of the financial support. It just goes to show, you never walk alone in Rotterdam. And while I am slowly finding my way back, the second hurdle needs to be overcome. A coach. Someone to teach me to trust myself again. I then mustered all my courage and, with a lump in my throat, asked a German coach. Someone I have admired for years. He laughed. Of course I was welcome. He really didn't understand why I thought otherwise. Meanwhile, we are entering the second season together. Sometimes your own thoughts can get in your way the most. Before you know it, you ARE your performance. Which is nonsense, of course.

Exactly! We are powerful over our minds, but not over events and 'things that are'. A nice bridge to start on the outside. How does Barbara deal with her appearance and her self-image? How important does she find them?

I’ve had my own style since I was young. A bit feminine-tough. I’ve worked for a casual and sportswear brand. I think urban fashion clothes are cool. But things have changed a bit since my accident. When baggy clothes are in fashion, I don't go along with it. Something that looks good standing up, like wide pants, looks like a sack in a wheelchair. The extra fabric stuffed into the seat. In basketball, of course, there’s a team outfit. Nice and easy. But afterwards, it’s wonderful to put your own clothes back on at home. You feel like an individual again. Because of my sport, I’m practically minded. I really have to switch gears when I’m about to do something special. Like, oh right, wait a minute. We’re going out for dinner tonight. Maybe not those sports leggings right now. I do think it’s important to pay a bit more attention to my looks in those situations. But I love a natural look. I actually find curling my hair a lot of hassle already. Unfortunately, without makeup, I have a bare-faced look with super pale skin. So I always put on some eyebrow pencil, eyeliner, and mascara. That's it. I do want to look sharper in photos, so then it can be a bit more extravagant. But you know what? The most important thing is feeling good about yourself. That's when you ultimately look your best.

Incidentally, Barbara shudders at the thought of labels. An 'adapted' holiday involving 'adventures' is not her thing. She also refuses to join the wheelchair caravan. Barbara will find her own way. But what is emancipation worth now that the Netherlands is plummeting in scores on all sorts of international inclusivity rankings?

The Netherlands claims to do and be a lot, but in practice, that turns out not always to be true. Accessibility is stagnating, and in that regard, we are actually moving backward. I deal with that. But I am assertive.I just say randomly: Hello! Can you give me a little push, or can you just grab that? But not everyone is like that. Due to Forty-Forty-Five, our Rotterdam architecture is relatively new compared to other global cities. I note with some sadness that accessibility is often still an afterthought in the design – how is that possible? I’m not saying it’s always Valhalla elsewhere, but Korea, for example, took a huge step forward thanks to the Games. The wheelchair experience there was top-notch. Paris, on the other hand, has acknowledged that they still need to make significant strides regarding public transport. During the Games, I crisscrossed the city there every morning on my electric bike. Wonderful. And while others are stuck in traffic, I get to my destination faster. After the Games, Paris committed to accessibility once again. I would like to see that happen here as well. But with the current cabinet, I mainly see headwinds. Let alone the Dutch Para and Olympic Games, which were briefly discussed. The cabinet is soon raising the VAT on sports. Then you know how things stand. The NOC Athletes' Commission is currently preparing a recommendation regarding facilities for elite athletes. The elite sports allowance, the stipend, is forfeited if you do not achieve any major performances for a year. And then there is the pension. That is another such topic. As an athlete, you do not accrue that. Yet, people do expect you to put everything aside for the sport. It should therefore be viewed more like a job. Because sponsorships are a Paralympic rarity. Just as there is a gap between men's and women's football, the commercial value of Paralympic sport is certainly a factor lower. Alternative sources of income exist only for the one or two happy few among us. I hope that politicians will still take up the challenge and allow themselves to be convinced by good arguments. In short, there is work to be done! And we are tackling one hurdle at a time. Just like elite sport.

In this interview series, one of my upcoming conversations is with Marian Mudder. She is a specialized anxiety and trauma therapist, author, and actress. Marian advocates for taming your voices: thoughts that throw us off balance and are a form of self-sabotage. How does Barbara actually deal with insecurity and fear? Surely the heroic switch from basketball to skiing must have awakened doubt in her? She takes a moment to think.

So, how does that work for me? I have to shift gears first. Like, I’ve just started from the bottom again. Once that new reality sinks in and the awareness is there, then I have direction and the goal comes. It has many parallels with how I dealt with my accident. Of course, I slept poorly. But at the same time, I am also convinced that I am going to do it. Somewhere deep down, I want to prove myself, show everyone that I can do it. With skiing, you are mainly on your own. If things go wrong, you only have yourself to blame. The room to just sit through it is marginal. Because substitutions like in basketball are a thing of the past. Quite an exciting stretch. On the other hand, I didn't make this decision overnight either. I made a transition plan with the national coach. That is why it also feels like a calculated risk. One week a month with the skiers and three weeks at Papendal for basketball. That way, I experience how it works, what I am capable of, and how far that still is from the top. We deliberately built in a reality check.

The invisible hand of influencer hegemony steers our daily decisions. On social media, self-image and visual culture go hand in hand. A uniform approach threatens to become both our carrot and stick. How does Barbara view social pressure, and how does she deal with it?

Well, I confess. I do use filters. Every now and then, anyway. I once visited a cosmetic doctor. To remove a little too much eyelid skin.I was immediately cured when the procedure was explained: my entire forehead lifted and secured with staples! A rather deadly combination with a ski helmet. No thank you, please don't. So now I raise my eyebrows for slightly bigger eyes. The result is extra wrinkles on my forehead. Barbara sees the humor in that. That is nice, a bit of self-mockery. But actually, we should respect our self-worth more. Sometimes, while scrolling, Barbara feels a touch of envy towards a 'chick' with a tight six-pack. Or towards people who are more muscular. Crazy, right? Even though I know that Insta is often not real. We all know that. Such a shame, all those people who also want the same nose. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I still think: I am who I am. And I am happy with it.

In a time when the media and the beauty industry tell us we must fight the signs of aging, an 'Authentic Aging' movement is also emerging that lets go of the reins a little. What art of living can Barbara share with us as an antidote to aging?

I always get a bit of an itch from interviews that start talking about my age. I always say: as long as my body and mind are still working well and the podium is in sight, I have the best office in the world. By doing a lot of sports with young people, I stay young too. Even if you train with someone of a different level, you can learn from each other. I believe in equality. That creates a playground where feedback is given free rein. I think that is why Dirk Kuyt was so keen to have me on board as an ambassador for his foundation. As a board member, I am now gaining experience that I can put to good use in the future. Through my sport, I am building a new network. And I have already gained work experience for my elite sports career. So I won't worry if I ever decide to stop. There is plenty to do! But back to the topic. I pay attention to healthy eating and a good lifestyle. In short, self-acceptance, staying active, and taking good care of yourself. And last but not least: enjoying yourself every now and then! That is the trick.